The Choice for Choosy Girls
Remember my situationship? It’s strange to say it’s ended, and yet, it has. I’m left without the ever-so-coveted closure I could really use, and it just feels really unsatisfying. I cried about it for a few days. I could talk about it for hours BUT ANYWHO-
I’ve been trying to rectify that feeling by putting myself out there, doing more, saying yes to more things more often, and throwing myself in my work (“Yeah I can review that book!” “Of course, I’ll see you after class!” “I’d love to attend that lecture!”). I’ve started using Tinder, a “dating” app that many in my generation are fond of, and I’m trying to not be so picky about it. For me, picky is a term that’s often misapplied – people use it when they really mean impossible to please.
Me? I am not impossible to please, I’m discerning. After all, I’m using an online dating app that only gives you up to nine photos, a favorite song, and a short blurb about yourself as your first impression, I have to be discerning if I’m going to get something worthwhile out of it. It’s a survival tactic as well, why start off on the wrong foot if I don’t have to?
After downloading (then deleting then downloading then deleting) this app (and Bumble, and OK Cupid), I have come up with a surefire list of reasons to swipe left, or decline, on a potential candidate.
1. Shirtless pics.
This one depends on your taste, of course, but a shirtless pic (or worse, several shirtless pics) on your profile is a sign to me that:
- You’re vain.
- You’re going to expect similar pics from me early into things. Nudes, as the kids say.
- You’re openly sexual, or, “diabolically horny.”
- You’re posting them because you think you have to. Which is boring.
I swipe left on shirtless pics without a second thought. Yeah there might be some gems in there, but I don’t feel like digging through your sweaty gym pics and dirty mirror selfies to find it.
2. Too many pics with too many people.
If I get to your profile and the first thing I see if a group photo with five people, my first thoughts are, “Which one is you?” and also, “Oh God, will I ever have to meet all of these people?” Incredibly, men often feature not one but four pictures with several other people in the photo. I don’t know if this is because toxic masculinity keeps men from having photos taken of them or if they want to show that they have SO MANY friends, either way, issa no from me dawg.
3. “Looking for someone to go on adventures with!”
If there’s anything you need to know about me, it’s that I’m lazy. While I’m interested in hiking and camping, I’m not interested in making it part of my routine. Men who put this in their profile, usually alternating with this or “looking for a gym buddy” are saying one of two things: 1. I’m active and want someone to be active with- Not this girl. 2. I’m active because I am vain and don’t want to be considered unattractive, and I would hope that you are just as well, so let’s be vain together – Not this girl, once again.
4. Bad Photos / No words about yourself / One photo
This one is just a marker of effort to me. You have one picture from when you were on Myspace ten years ago taken with an LG Chocolate.
You must not really want people to know you, huh? You just made a profile ’cause you felt lonely and/or bored one night, but you didn’t want to admit that to yourself, so you didn’t wanna put in the full effort, right? Or, you just want sex and are hoping that someone will swipe right on you anyway just to take the work out of it. No matter what, I swipe left.
5. A long rambling about what you don’t want
This one I left swipe and refer to therapy. You know the ones, “No fatties, no dark-skinned girls, no girls with drama, no girls with kids, no girls who drink Sprite, no girls who enjoy a slice of pie between the months of June and August, no girls who don’t like being called females, no girls who listen to the news, no girls who ask questions, no girls who-“
Aside from being a red flag so huge it could blackout the sun (it’s the epitome of, “Sir, it’s you… It’s you who is the problem here. It’s always been you. It’s been you before you were even en utero.”), it also says nothing about who you are, other than an asshole.
These are just some of the reasons I swipe left on the men I’ve been unlucky enough to come across while using these dating apps. Why do you swipe left?